Sifting Sand
by Griselda Banks
Summary: Oneshot. Every grain of sand looks the same, so what is one to do when one must find a single particular grain? Why, sift through the sand, of course. What does it matter how long it takes? Experimental Scar-centric fic.


_"I wanted to tell my brother...that I loved him."_

_- Scar, Episode 42 'His Name Is Unknown'_

The man known only as Scar sat in the shadows of an alleyway. He was in some city in the East – where exactly, he had no idea, nor any wish to know. It mattered little to him. No one had seen him arrive or slink into this alleyway; there was little danger of anyone raising a fuss. Even if someone did, he would only welcome it as the will of God.

Scar's right hand clenched, and he raised his fist a few inches off the ground. A thousand miniscule grains of sand leaked out through the gaps between his fingers, raining down in a golden waterfall into a small pile on the concrete. He couldn't remember where the sand had come from. Maybe it had found its way here somehow on its own, or maybe it had gotten caught in his clothes at some point. He could hardly care less. Automatically, he grabbed another handful of sand and let it trickle through his fingers once again.

He had been doing this for nearly a quarter of an hour now. His red eyes stared straight ahead at the blank wall of the building opposite, and his dark glasses lay to one side. There was no sound in this secluded part of the city other than his breathing and the soft stream of sand.

Scar's mind was far away from his body, searching through time and space, searching uselessly. What he sought was so uncertain, and there was more than just one answer. The one satisfactory answer he sought was so elusive that he couldn't find it, no matter how long he searched.

_"Brother... I...just wanted to say that I...I love you."_

_"Really? That's nice..." Scar's older brother murmured absently, continuing to read his alchemy books._

_Scar sighed and turned sadly away._

Scar's only movement was to pick up another handful of sand.

_"Brother... I...just wanted to say that I...I love you."_

_Scar's brother's crimson eyes slowly narrowed. "What did you say?" he asked softly. "You love me?" His lip curled back over his teeth, like a wolf. "You liar!" he shouted, rushing forward and grabbing Scar by the neck._

_Choking, Scar tried to pry his brother's fingers away from his neck, but those slender fingers were stronger than they seemed._

_Scar's brother pressed his face closer. "You never loved me," he whispered. "You hated me, and you still do. That's why...I hate you too!"_

The corner of Scar's mouth twitched, and he let the sand fall.

_"Brother... I...just wanted to say that I...I love you."_

_Scar's brother rolled his eyes. "Come on, little brother. You don't have to get so mushy on me in such a random moment. Now, about what I was saying..."_

_Scar frowned, but his older brother didn't see._

Scar's fist dug deeper into the pile of sand, grabbing an extra-large handful of the rough grains.

_"Brother... I...just wanted to say that I...I love you."_

_To Scar's surprise, the red eyes that looked into his began to brim over with tears. For a few moments, Scar's brother's lip trembled, and then he threw his arms around Scar. "I'm so glad you said that!" he bawled. "I've been wanting to say it for so long, but I...I never did!"_

_Scar awkwardly patted his brother on the back, wondering what on earth had gotten into the man._

The rough grains of sand almost felt soft as they spewed out between Scar's fingers.

_"Brother... I...just wanted to say that I...I love you."_

_To Scar's utter consternation, his brother gripped his head with both hands. "No!" he wailed. "No, no, don't say it! Why do you torment me so? Why must you do this to me?!"_

_Scar took a surprised step back. "I'm...sorry."_

Scar was sifting through the sand that cluttered his mind, searching for that one grain of truth amongst all the false ones. He was fighting a losing battle. It was worse than looking for a needle in a haystack. At least then the needle would be shiny and sharp, small but different from the straw. But every grain of sand appears the same at first, so Scar's task was more difficult than he liked to admit.

Scar's fingers sifted blindly through the sand, feeling each tiny grain experimentally. But suddenly, his fingers froze, clasped around the one grain of sand in his mind that stood out from the others. At first, it seemed like the others, but when he searched deeper he found it to be different.

_"Brother... I...just wanted to say that I...I love you."_

_Scar's older brother slowly lowered the alchemy book that he had been reading and gave Scar a long, unreadable look. Then he pushed his glasses farther up his nose and said with a small smile, "I know."_

Scar let go of his handful of sand, and this time he did not take another. He did not need to.

**Author's Note: Since this fic is kind of weird and experimental, probably I'd better explain what in the world is going on. From what I understand, (in the anime, at least) Scar wanted to tell his brother that he loved him, but he never got around to doing it before his brother died. In this fic, Scar was wondering how his brother would have reacted if he _had_ told him. Thus, he's "searching for that one grain of truth amongst all the false ones." The last reaction was the true one, the way Scar's brother would have reacted if Scar had gotten around to saying it. The quote at the beginning is from a fansub of FMA, so the wording may or may not be accurate.  
**


End file.
